Couples Help Guide - What You Need to Know about Intimacy
- Nicolette Ward
- 5 days ago
- 3 min read
Updated: 5 days ago
As a seasoned couples counsellor for almost a decade now in the Logan area, I would love to share my insights with you around Intimacy and how to get more from your partner.
When people hear the word intimacy, their knee jerk association is often 'sex'. Ooof! If you have experienced a long-term relationship, you know the truth cuts deeper than that. Real intimacy is emotional exposure. The willingness to be truly seen - in all your imperfection, insecurities and contradictions without the need to performance or the need to look a certain way. That kind of closeness? It's rare, and its where ALOT of couples hit the wall.
Confusion to Couples Help
Many couples confuse physical closeness with emotional intimacy. Sure, sex may be a gateway to connection, but without safety and authenticity, it’s just a temporary distraction. Johnson (2019) notes that emotional safety is foundational in secure relationships - it allows partners to open up, share vulnerabilities, and feel validated. If one or both partners feel judged, dismissed, or constantly misunderstood, the emotional doors close. And when that happens, physical closeness loses its meaning too.
In couples counselling, I often see intimacy breaks down when partners are stuck in patterns of self-protection. This might look like withdrawing, over-explaining, or even people-pleasing - behaviours couched in fear of being "too much" or "not enough." When someone feels like they need to shrink to stay connected, they start abandoning parts of themselves. This is very sad because over time, this erodes the relationship from the inside out. Brown (2012) calls this "foreboding joy"—the inability to fully show up in love because you're bracing for rejection.
What Actually Helps Intimacy?
Couples need tools to create emotional permission - not just permission to speak, but to be fully human. This includes building empathy, learning how to regulate during conflict, and practicing non-defensive listening. Gottman & Silver (2015) emphasise that attunement - turning toward your partner’s emotional bids for connection - is the bridge to true intimacy. When couples learn to respond with curiosity instead of criticism, vulnerability stops feeling like a threat and starts becoming the glue that holds them together.
If you're looking for couples help, focus less on fixing the sex and more on the space between you. Do you feel seen, heard, and safe in your partner’s presence? If not, that's the work. Because the real magic of intimacy isn’t in the grand gestures or perfect words - it’s in being fully seen and seeing your partner fully, without having to shrink.
Building that kind of connection isn’t just healing for the relationship. It’s transformative for both of you. If you are feeling awkward, then that is what you talk about. If you are feeling exposed, then that is what you talk about. If you are feeling uncertain, then that is what you talk about.
Always give your partner the facts, the feeling you have and what you need. Don't leave them hanging to guess what you need. Rather, give them some clues on what to do. Always use positive expression of need. For example: point to where you would like to receive touch, or say "I feel much better when you do this way."
Try On Your New Intimacy Super Power
So if it sounds too simple an answer - you really need to know - while it is easy to do - it can be very confronting. Especially if your partner doesn't want to talk. It takes both of you to be open to each other for real intimacy to occur. To consciously put your protection mechanisms to the side and open up in a way that is incredibly vulnerable.
The next time you have an opportunity to be close to your partner, use a gentle approach, open yourself up, and talk in a positive manner around how you feel when your partner touches or holds you in a certain way. If it feels unwieldy or unpleasant, gently guide them to where it might feel better or more pleasant. Try to enable your partner, and be their biggest cheer leader. They are simply learning the map of your body and how it functions. Try to offer a no-fault experience rather than a performative you-should-know-what-to-do-by-now horror show. As Dr Stan Tatkin always says: "You are in each other's care."
References
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony.
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press.
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