Christmas is often a time of high stress - there is lot's to do... and often tensions from the year boil over when you are both stretched and tired, and just trying to get organised for the holidays. Here are some 5 tips to help things along...so you can both enjoy your holidays together.
Tip #1 - Go Slow
Slow down communication. Like Tai Chi slow. Like if you are going at 50mph, go 10 mph. Sloooooww down. Not how you pronounce your words, but how you deliver your words. Add kindness, and second-chances, and lots of room for the interaction to happen.
If you have ever watched someone perform Tai Chi, you will notice the movement is very, very slow and very deliberate. This gives time for the messaging to drop in. We all need at lest 3-5 seconds to just receive the message.
When you talk too fast, or counter with quick comments and shoot from the hip, you will literally get a speeding ticket from your partner. Slow down the communication.
Tip #2 - Timing
Try not to tackle big topics or stressful recurring situations five minutes before your partner is about to dart out of the door to catch their bus or just after they have come in from work. Really figure out together when the best time is available to have the bigger conversations that require heart to heart connection, empathic listening and space to land.
Tip #3 - Listening
Hearing your partner with the intention to hear them, not to reply to them. This will make all the difference in the world. Turn your whole body into an ear and really hear them, sense your partner, see your partner's body language. Open to them mentally, quieting your 'mind voice' that is agreeing or judging or problem-solving the incoming information.
Tip #4 - Relay and Reflect
Related to Tip #3, gather information first by relaying what you heard to your partner as a way of deep listening first before replying, evaluating or problem-solving. This is how we test for the 'fidelity' (clarity) of the message we have just received.
"The biggest communication issue is we do not listen to understand, we listen to reply"
For example:
Partner 1: I wish you would stop asking me to take the bin out. Jill can do it, I have just come in from the garden. I'm tired. I've done my bit. She doesn't many chores around the house anyway. In fact, she never does any chores. It's time she started contributing to the house.
Partner 2: So what you are saying is... you're feeling tired from working in the garden, and would some help from Jill to take the bin out regularly from now on? Using a reflective question allows Partner 1 to hear whether their message has been received correctly by Partner 2. It also gives Partner 2 a second chance if they misunderstood the initial message.
Final Tip
If you try these tips and still have little success in getting the message across, seek support from your counsellor who is well versed in facilitating communication issues. There may be more at play than what meets the eye. Communication is a learned skill so it is very easy to fix with a few pointers by a skilled professional. If you feel your communication just bridges you to more conflict, then Book an Appointment today!
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