Relationships
Author: Nicolette Ward, October 2024
This Christmas, as we all gather together, our nervous systems will be tested! Yes, it sounds a little ‘biological’ but truthfully, that is all that it is when we are moving amongst people and interacting with them. Relationships, if not well managed, can be stressful.
Your body does one of 3 things when it comes into contact with people:
1. Survival stress e.g. Fight or Flight
2. Social engagement e.g. Communication or Connection
3. Dissociation e.g. Freeze
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In my counselling experience, this time of year, we often witness family conflicts and relationship breakdowns, because another year has gone past and it can feel like nothing has changed. Well, the newsflash is.... the change is up to you!
Regulating your nervous system is the only place you have control - so why not make the change yourself. In the words of Ghandhi - "Be the Change You Want to See in the World."
Tip #1 - Calm Your Farm
1. Physical Sensations: Pay close attention to your physical sensations. If your breath quickens or worse, stops, then This usually means there is no psychological safety and your body is gearing for protection. Here is where you can regulate yourself by reassuring yourself that if you take a deep breath you will short-circuit the process. Notice if you feel tight, or contracted, or hot. These are your signals, early warning signals to back down. Have a look at the graphic above, to see where your nervous system is headed.
Tip #2 - Do It Yourself
1. Become your own coach: Talk yourself back into being social and engaged e.g. I am sure they are also tired and strung-out. Try to see things from their perspective and reassure yourself, that it is not personal.
"Its not always about you! Use the QTIP Method"
Tip #3 - QTIP - Quit Making It Personal
1. Empathy: use empathy and mirror it back to them – e.g. “You sound like you are tired, and you need me to consider your feelings in this matter.” Reassure yourself that no matter what happens, you will get your needs met. It is not personal, everyone has 'stuff' going on - and we can NEVER know what is happening for the other person.
Tip #4 - Think Happy Thoughts
1. Think about something pleasant. Something that helps your body remind yourself that you feel loved, safe and welcome. Pleasant feelings recalled can relax the body instantly and reduce tension. Try it! Think about someone you love dearly, imagine their face, imagine a happy time you spent with them and how it made you feel. Pretty soon, your body will relax.
Tip #5 - Helpful Sentences to get You out of Trouble
Thank you, I appreciate your consideration. That doesn't work for me. Have you got any other ideas?
I appreciate we got off track somewhere. Let's wind back to the part where we agreed and take it from there again.
I love you and I am going to see my friend. I will be back soon and we can get some take-away.
This is our problem, not yours, not mine, but ours. Let's figure it out together.
I am going ask more questions so I can better understand what you need.
We've got this - I want to work through this with you!
Finally, Create Psychological Safety at All Times
If you want to learn more, simply visit our programs on this site. You may be interested in Cultivating Emotional Balance - this mini-course will help you develop the mindfulness skills that will help you get through the toughest of times. Best of luck, and please don't hesitate to email me with any questions you may have regarding the course or the course content. I am always happy to hear from you!
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