Menopausal Libido Shifts...

Agony Aunt Series - Different Libidos in Menopause

Dear Sidelined,

I can hear you really want to get your needs met in this relationship. As a couples counsellor, I often hear from partners who feel a growing mismatch in sexual desire, especially during transitional life stages such as perimenopause. When one person has a higher libido and the other feels worn down, uninterested, or physically uncomfortable, it can create a sense of loneliness and rejection. The partner with higher desire often feels unseen, sidelined, or even unimportant, while the partner with lower desire may feel pressured or inadequate. This dynamic can quickly erode emotional closeness, if not addressed with compassion and understanding.

It’s so important to acknowledge that perimenopause is not just a physical shift but also an emotional and psychological one. Hormonal changes can affect arousal, desire, and energy levels, while external pressures - work, family responsibilities, and the mental load of daily life - add even more weight.

Consider also that menopause does require a lifestyle where adrenal support is prioritised and stress reduction is a regular practice as the body hands over the job of hormone production from the genitals to the adrenals.  A great book to read here is Menopause Reset, by Dr Mindy Pelz. While I am not recommending her fasting regime, she does offer an explanation in layman's terms for what happens to our bodies during menopause that i found extremely enlightening. I wish I had that information when I was around 42! Back on topic though, for many women in this stage, sex can understandably fall further down the list of priorities. This does not mean a rejection of their partner as a person, but is rather a reflection of what their body and life circumstances are demanding of them at this time.

Here's What To Do

For the higher-desire partner, the challenge lies in expressing needs without blame or resentment. Instead of approaching the conversation as “a problem you need to fix,” it can be more effective to frame it as a shared journey of reconnection.

Asking open-ended questions like, “What kind of intimacy feels good for you right now?” or “How can we maintain closeness outside of sex?” opens the door to creativity and gentleness in the relationship. It also helps shift intimacy away from being defined only by intercourse, leaving space for physical closeness, affection, and emotional bonding in other forms.

Couples who navigate this stage most successfully are those willing to experiment, adapt, and communicate with empathy. Sometimes, this might also mean seeking medical coaching and support for menopausal symptoms, engaging in stress-reducing practices together, or working with a relationship therapist and sex therapist to find new pathways of intimacy. Here in Australia, menopause coaching of the medical doctors has become a thing! Yaaay!.... The goal however, is not to force one partner into someone else’s rhythm, but to find a pace and a connection that honours both. By treating this transition as an opportunity to deepen understanding rather than as a roadblock, many couples discover an intimacy that is more flexible, compassionate, and enduring than before.

Here are several practical daily exercises that can help rebuild both sexual and emotional intimacy with your partner:

1. Sensate Focus Exercises

This is a foundational sex therapy technique that involves taking turns exploring each other’s bodies through gentle, non-sexual touch—without any expectation of sex or orgasm. Partners alternate as “giver” and “receiver,” pausing to check in about comfort and enjoyment. Gradually, you may build towards more intimate touch, always guided by open feedback. Sensate focus helps reduce performance anxiety and brings couples into the present moment, allowing both to rediscover pleasure and connection.[1][2][3]

2. Eye Gazing

Sit facing each other and maintain gentle eye contact for 5-10 minutes, without speaking. Breathe deeply and relax into the experience. At first, this can feel awkward, but over time, it breaks down emotional barriers and naturally increases feelings of closeness, safety, and understanding between you.[2][1]

3. Mindful Touch or Extended Hugging

Set aside a few minutes daily for mindful, affectionate touch—such as a gentle back rub, holding hands, or an extended hug. During a prolonged embrace (try 5 minutes), synchronize your breathing and simply enjoy the contact. These acts release oxytocin, reduce stress, and foster trust and emotional safety.[4][2]

4. Nostalgia Ritual

Once a week, spend time revisiting favorite memories—look at photos, tell stories from the early days of your relationship, or share moments you felt especially close. This shared reminiscing increases positive feelings and reminds you both why you chose each other.[4]

5. “Desire Mapping” or Whispered Words

Take turns gently kissing or caressing different areas (arms, face, neck, shoulders) and giving gentle feedback about what feels best. You can also try whispering affectionate words or compliments to each other. This playful exploration helps partners learn each other’s preferences and opens new lines of communication about what brings pleasure and comfort.[3][2]

6. Truly Listen & Emotional Check-Ins

Set aside time every day or week to share how you’re feeling—without interruptions or problem-solving. Practice reflective listening by summarising what your partner says (“I hear you saying…”). If you are a client of mine, I encourage you to use your non-violent communication skills you have learned in session with Nicolette to truly get this technique perfected. This creates a safe space for vulnerability and reassures both partners that their feelings are valued.[6][4]

Implementing these simple, evidence-backed exercises regularly—sometimes for just 10-20 minutes a day—can help you and your partner rebuild intimacy, restore trust, and rekindle sexual desire in a relaxed, shame-free environment. For more guided exercises and support, you may want to consult a couples counsellor or specialist in intimacy coaching.[1][2][3][4]

References

[1] (https://www.joannebagshaw.com/blog/sex-therapy-exercises-to-enhance-intimacy)

[2] (https://holdinghopemft.com/intimacy-exercises-for-couples-a-complete-guide-to-building-physical-and-emotional-intimacy-in-a-relationship/)

[3] (https://optimumjoy.com/blog/sensate-focus-an-exercise-in-mindful-sexuality/)

[4] (https://www.choosingtherapy.com/intimacy-exercises/)

[5] (https://practicalintimacy.com/marriage-intimacy-exercises-for-couples/)

[6] (https://www.sdrelationshipplace.com/emotional-intimacy-in-marriage/)

[7] (https://www.marriage.com/advice/emotional-intimacy/repairing-emotional-intimacy/)

[8] (https://holdinghopemft.com/how-to-rekindle-intimacy-and-reignite-your-sexual-connection/)

[9] (https://willowmarktherapy.com/trust-exercises-for-couples/)

[10] Pelz, M (2021) Menopause Reset (just for the laymen's explanation only)